The two questions

When D was first born, there were two questions I was asked frequently:

Is he on a schedule yet?
... and ...
Is he sleeping through the night?

I know I'm sensitive and read into things too much sometimes (just ask my husband!), and I know these are default questions if you don't know what else to say, but I found, for me, that these questions made me uneasy or defensive at times.

For starters, when D was first born, my "schedule" consisted of figuring out just how on earth to be a mom. I was learning how to breastfeed (not as easy as it looks when you're just starting out!), how to read D's cues, how to function on interrupted sleep. My body was healing, my hormones were going bizerk. This new mom didn't know what a schedule was even supposed to look like! For me, the schedule question made me feel pressured to immediately put myself and D on the clock, on a strict timeframe. Let new moms be new moms: some will be ultra-scheduled, some will go with the flow. But all will need to figure out their own way forward with their unique baby. And that takes time.

Then for the sleep question. Fresh babies aren't supposed to sleep through the night. They have itty bitty tummies and their sleep patterns are different than an adult's. So expecting a little one to sleep all night long is setting oneself up for disappointment. In this case, a new mom who could really use some more sleep. She might think she's doing something wrong, or that her baby is abnormal because he or she woke up every two hours the night before.

So what might you ask instead? Here are a few suggestions:

What has surprised you the most about being a new mom?
How are you feeling?

And, most importantly: When can I drop off that casserole I made for you?